I marvel at the faith of Can’t-DOists. It exceeds the most pious of pilgrims, the most reverent of reverends. It eclipses the ecclesiastical. It shames the saints. It outmatches martyrs, mosques, and monks. It passes the Pope and all his priests. We shudder at zealots who would kill, bomb, fly planes into buildings. But the Can-t-DOists, my boy, have them all beat. The Can’t-DOists murder hope itself, and, by extension, destroy whole worlds. They grin while they do it, without a fleck of doubt, and certainly no disappointment.

Can’t-DOists have so much faith in the unseen O’Great Impossible that they believe in the O’Great Impossible even when they are looking directly at the possible. It’s remarkable, really. I almost admire it. I have never had as strong of faith in anything as the Can’t-DOists have in the O’Great Impossible. To them, He explains all, predicts all, does all.

Their numbers are strong, their dogma clear: the best way to avoid failure is simply never try. Better than that, don’t even think about trying. Better than that, don’t even hope. Better than that, have an authoritative organization declare something impossible even AFTER something is PROVEN possible. That way, we don’t waste our precious energy on thinking about hoping to try to improve.

It’s a great sales pitch: ASPIRE to be a slug. Don’t just be vindicated in your inaction, when you can be virtuous by giving up. You can signal your virtue AND your faith by telling others the good news: don’t even try. Evangelical Can’t-DOism is a fervent bunch, always ready to help others: “before you waste your time, remember, all things are impossible through Him who weakens us.”

The true believers are astonishingly well-represented by medical organizations, who will proclaim certain conditions as hopeless AGAINST the evidence. Despite documented diabetes reversal, most experts will say it CANNOT be done. Even though we have images proving that some people rebuild joint spaces, the Arthritis Foundation itself won’t even entertain the idea 40 YEARS LATER. Even though bulged discs come and go, most will say it’s only a one way trip. Even though LACK of exercise worsens all cardiovascular conditions, the American Heart Association warns many against moderate intensity exercise while still hyper-promoting specious drug therapies.

When we strip away the grift and financial interests getting in the way of science, we are still left with a problem: people aspire below mediocrity. And this is where the Can’t-DOists’ proselytizing really strikes a chord, because, well, it’s aiming below THAT. What many of these experts and organizations are REALLY saying is, “ON AVERAGE, the average outcome is that things keep getting worse.” Well, no shit. But saying THAT isn’t going to fill any donations baskets, is it? It’s better to definitively declare, “CAN’T BE DONE!” That clear-cut disempowerment, my friend, is how you run a bona fide Crusade.